THE PENDING FILE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

YESSSSS! The editor of Twisted Cat Tales has already replied to my submission and has put it into the PENDING FILE. She said, "Congratulations on making the next level." She also informed me that once she's received all her submissions, she'll return to the Pending File and pick out her final selections.

IT'S LIKE I'VE MADE THE NBA FINALS BUT MUCH COOLER!!!!!!!!

You know what this means, people? This means I rock. Yes, bow down to me. Ian is the master. Ian is the material form of Cool.

Well, this certainly turns a rancid day into a very nice, very fresh one, if I do say so myself.

FUCK YES! I AM THE WINNER!

Back On Track

Ian the Writer is back. I just finished "I Was a Teenage Feline" and sent it to Twisted Cat Tales (cat-themed anthology). Waiting for a reply. Now I'm beginning a humorous zombie story entitled "Stan the Hero" to send over to Aim for the Head (zombie-themed anthology). I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I finished a horror flash story called "I'll Never Be Clean Again" a couple days ago and sent it off to Nocturnal Ooze (horror fiction webzine).

It's great to be back.

Right now, "Stan the Hero" is sort of a vague idea, but I've got enough of the plot down to start and finish and have a reasonable bulk. It'll go fast. Hopefully it's funny as well.

Unhallowed Sanctum is behind schedule. Kyle just got hold of the cover art, and he still hasn't compiled the stories into pdf form. AND that bastard Reida needs to hurry up with the fucking reviews. Then, once the issue is FINALLY ready, I have to send it to five or six authors doing reviews of the e-zine, and post all of the blurbs before the issue comes out.

What is an editor to do?

Nothing, of course. My duty has been done. I can only wait and badger those that aren't fast enough. Oh, and work on the second issue.

Also, "Realms of the Dragons II" is out and I've GOT to get it. I'm really looking forward to the stories by Kameron, Ed, Erik, and Harley.

You know what I've just noticed? Everything I've been writing lately has been horror, or has at least contained horror elements. Not much I can say to that. I guess I'm losing interest in the fantasy genre, or maybe just gaining interest in horror.

But I have a good theory: Fantasy is pissing me off. I'm sorry to those who view this blog and are big fantasy junkies, but come on, you have to agree wtih me on this--no one in this blasted genre is original! I remember one of Kameron's posts concerning fantasy authors that have "ripped off" Tolkein. Kameron's response was "Who hasn't ripped off Tolkein?"

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with Kameron on this. Tolkein, when he wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, was setting a FOUNDATION for the fantasy genre, a genre in which people can LEARN from his books, but not straight-up steal from them. I'm not sure if Tolkein was trying to create a genre when writing these books, but, all the same--people have to have an imagination. That's why they call it FANTASY! You read Tolkein's stuff, you like it, and so you create your own world, in which you runs things your own way and manifest NEW monsters and NEW races and NEW sources of magic, so your work can have just as much of an impact on your readers as Tolkein's stuff had on YOU.

I realize that authors like Terry Brooks didn't have much to work with when they started writing in the seventies. I mean, there wasn't much fantasy out there, besides Tolkein, Howard, Dunsany, and Lovecraft.

BUT DOES THAT MEAN YOU HAVE TO RIP IT OFF SO?!

So what if you've only read one fantasy novel? You still have a fucking imagination, do you not? Then use it, you fucktard!

God has spoken.

Quick Like a Fox, Smart Like a Retracting Drink Holder

Household sucks. Relationships suck. People suck. Vacuums suck. Cinematography in recent Hollywood action movies sucks. My eyes suck. Life sucks.

I cannot talk on the phone, therefore I am isolated from the rest of the world. That includes Kyle and Christina, two of the very, very few people that matter in my life. I cannot go on the computer, therefore I haven't been able to keep up on emails or finalize things in stories.

In very minor and insignificant news: My copy of "Madmen's Dreams" by Eric S. Brown (with D. Richard Pearce) arrived Saturday morning. It took three weeks to get here. I'm never ordering from Barnes & Noble again. Anyway, the book was good; the stories were really short, but I got used to it after a while and liked it a lot in the end. Eric S. Brown is a truly talented writer. Finished is Sunday afternoon.

In extremely fucktastically important and Earth-shakingly important news: I love Christina. She is the perfect girl. Just a picture of her will fill me with a rising happiness. A hug from her will plunge me into a state of stupefied bliss. A kiss sends me soaring into the heavens, lounging atop clouds and sipping virgin margeritas. She's the only one that matters.

My mom has been doing my mental status a great favor by calling me every day, giving me an excuse to contact someone outside the household (after all, she is my mom and who could ground me from talking to my mom?). She and Kyle are the only ones that understand me. My mom is so sympathetic, so helpful. She's the coolest. I'm just beginning to know my mom, since I never really got to know her for aforementioned reasons. But she's great.

Everyone is giving me shit and they don't care how it affects me. I would give more of an explanation, but I have to split. I have a hug from Christina to look forward to. She deprives me of my kisses, so this is what I have to work with.

On a side note: You guys have no idea how great it feels when Christina says something remotely sweet to me. She very rarely does it, so I often don't get to experience that great feeling. I don't know why I'm mentioning this now--maybe I'm depressed, or just need to hear something nice from someone I truly care about.

Anyway, I gotta get to English class. Ms. Cuellar is groovy, so she won't spazz if I'm late.

More Blows

No, not the kind you're thinking of.

Christina's been having hard times as well, and I feel so bad because I can't do anything to help. She's the Light of my life. I love her so much. Due to idiocy and injustice, we have been kept from seeing and communicating with each other. So now, whenever I think of her, I take her picture out of my pocket and look at it. God, she's the most beautiful chick in the world. Why would I lie about that?

A flash story of mine was rejected. Woe is me.

I'm plowing through life at the pace of a turtle on its back in a tank of peanut butter. Hopefully--hear that? I said HOPE--life will get better, but I'm not holding out much faith.

BTW, I'm so stressed out that I've developed a twitch in my left eye. So don't worry, I wasn't winking at any of you. I'm taken anyway.

Groovy Lights Over a Dreary City

Thanks to everyone who's offered advice and given me an ear. I really appreciate it.

As Erik said in his recent blog post, sometimes there are just those times when you start typing a blog entry without anything much to say. I'm having one of those moments right now. So, just for the hell of it, I'll talk about recent happenings in my life instead of the e-zine and Christina and whatnot.

Saturday my mom came down to visit. We had an awesome time. I got a new KMFDM ablum, a live Iggy Pop disc, and a Sisters of Mercy CD. We went to see Amatyville Horror, which turned out to be pretty good and frightening despite our poor expectations. All in all, we had a groovy time.

Yesterday I went out for driving lessons. Just the basics and whatnot. Turns out I'm a pretty good driver. I'm more aware of what's going on around me than I thought I'd be, and I'm a quick learner. The only problem I'm having is reversing into parking spaces. That shit is confusing!

I also finished "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams, which was just groovy. Very funny. I can't wait to get the next book.

Oh, here's a poem I wrote when I was really down a couple days ago (if there are any errors, please forgive me--I don't read much poetry and thus I have close to no understanding of its format):

"They Don't Know" by Ian Kappos

He doesn't like it here
Nobody knows
He cries inside
They don't know his woes

They yell and complain,
Make noise and prod
But they don't know
His manner is fraud

He holds the kitchen knife
Deadly and true
He slices his wrists
And says, "This is for you."

They find his body the next morning
Pale and dry
They don't know that
They're the reason he died.

Yeah, I know it sucks. I'm not going to lie: I'm no poet, and I never will be, so that's why I'm sharing this poem with you and not circulating it through the industry. I write poetry to write poetry, not to make money. Hell, I write stories to write stories, not to make money. The only reason I want to publish them is to get my name out there and share them with more people.

"I Want More" by The Sisters of Mercy is bouncing around in my head. Ah well. Who said that was a bad thing?

Well, I'm working through a hellish noir story to submit to Tabloid Purposes II (find it in the Anthologies Markets at Ralan.com--I'm too lazy to make a hyperlink) and a comedy-horror piece for Twisted Cat Tales (likewise). The noir story is currently untitled and the cat-comedy-horror story is entitled "I Was a Teenage Feline." I'm rather fond of it.

Again, thanks to everyone that's shown their concern. You don't know how much it means to me.

In a Ditch With My Legs Broken and My Eyes Sewn Shut

Last night a load of terrible crap happened, and I came dangerously close to committing suicide. I don't feel I need to tell what happened, since the severity of it has already been noted in the word "suicide."

Let's just say that life is shit and my throat is the plumbing.

I have no future. I have no life. I have no true happiness. I have no particular talent. I just simply am. I'm here, for no other reason than to suffer.

Vuala!

I got so much shit done today it's not even funny.

I finished editing EVERY SINGLE FLIPPIN' STORY FOR THE FINAL TIME and added all the "about the authors," except for one author's that hasn't turned hers in yet. I also put them all in the appropriate format before being compiled into pdf form.

Two authors have agreed to do reviews of Unhallowed Sanctum, and another has promised to do one around Fall, as he's rather swamped with other work at the moment.

Publicity. Breathe it in.

And despite what I said about having finished editing all the stories for the final time, I will do it once more and then another time once they're all in pdf form. Sounds pretty strenuous, but, man, I love this gig.

And tonight I swear on my life that I'll finish that story for the issue. That means no one- to -two hour conversations with Christina. Damnit.

That's about all that's laid out for now. Till next time, dudes and dudetts.

Oh, bondage, up yours!

Just to reassure everyone, I still love Christina with a passion. She's the hottest chick in the world, the funnest person to be around, and just the best.

Although, I must confess, being "friends with benefits" sucks a big one.

And, just today, she referred to me as her "ex-boyfriend." Ugh.

In the Bowels of a Very Long and Strenuous Project

Unhallowed Sanctum is coming along slowly. Stories have been edited multiple times. The website is coming together piece-by-piece. Advertisement is becoming increasingly difficult. Authors are being requested to send in "About the Authors," and some are taking a bit longer to provide one for me than I would have liked.

But the site is almost done. Thank God. The mistakes are beginning to fade and my reputation as an editor isn't as damaged as I thought it would be.

After reading the stories over and over again, I've come to enjoy them even MORE than I had when first reading them, which is a bit contrary to how I thought I'd be feeling about them after performing edits upon edits for weeks. But hey, this whole publishing company project is just full of surprises.

And on the side, I've been brewing many, many ideas for anthologies and contests, and it's annoying the crap out of me. See, people, I have what I like to call "bipolar devotion," which means that once I start a project, I soon become less interested in it and begin to want to do something else that should be reserved for a few months ahead. I hate it, but that's just how I am.

But do not digress, for I remain fully committed to Unhallowed Sanctum. At the moment.

I become steadily frustrated with Kyle and the way the website is being run. I am aware that Kyle is the backbone of this company, and that, without him, we would be close to unknown to the internet community, but I am still angry with him. I have had to do six drafts of edits for the site and still he overlooks things, and thus I find myself writing more edits so the site will look pristine. Kyle excused this with a case of minor dyslexia. Folks, I, the editor, have dyslexia, and I still manage to be thorough in getting my job done and making things look nice.

But I also realize that Kyle has had recent emotional issues in need of sorting out, so I'm trying not to be as pissed as I want to be right now.

So, onto another subject.

Unhallowed Sanctum's debut nears us, and I work vigilantly to prepare everything for the Big Day. Still stories to edit, still "About the Authors" to obtain, still website changes to work on, still more advertising (though that's mainly more on Kyle's part), and still all these things throwing themselves in the way of me and getting my job done.

And guess what. We're not making squat off this project. Nay, all of the money will go to funding more advertisement, a decision made by Kyle, unbeknownst to moi. Although, I see that his choice in the utilization of the money was much wiser than mine (spending it on cool stuff), so I shall not oppose him.

But, despite my griping over all this, I love this gig and I'm looking forward to seeing what all of you guys think of the issue when its debut is finally come.

Shit!

Well, the Blue Monday page has been completely redone, and it looks great!

Except for one minor detail...

Mistakes are strewn all over the place! In the navbar, on the pages, and everywhere else. It shames me every time I find a new mistake on the site, considering I AM THE FREAKING EDITOR OF THE COMPANY! And just now I found a mistake on the "About Us" page that's been there for the past two months: I used the improper "then." When comparing ourselves to other companies, I wrote, "...we expect nothing less then the best from contributing authors."

Shoot me now.

IN OTHER NEWS: Kyle Pate's story, "The Devil's Habits," has been accepted and will be appearing in the first issue of Unhallowed Sanctum. If any of you have perused my "Links" column, you might have found Kyle Pate's blog, entitled Fear My Quack. If any of you have clicked on Fear My Quack, then you have already witnessed the atrocious grammar and spelling errors that bathe the screen before you. If you have already witnessed the atrocious grammar and spelling errors that bathe the screen before you, then you have already declared Kyle an idiot.

And I do not blame you.

But Kyle owned me. Under another name, Kyle sent me a submission entitled "The Devil's Habits." I read through it, spotted a few minor mistakes, but still thought it good enough for the e-zine, so I replied notifying him of his story's acceptance. Of course, that was when Joshy Peters replied, proclaiming that his true name was Kyle Pate.

Owned.

The fact that Kyle conquered the tumor in his head that was improper grammar and spelling astounds me. I never thought he'd have the ability to do so, but he did, and I was owned.

So, people, "The Devil's Habits" by Kyle Pate will be appearing in the very first issue of Unhallowed Sanctum. You're very welcome.

That's five stories now, and I'm plowing through my contribution, and then I'll edit every story a sixth time, and then a seventh, and then an eighth, and then a ninth, and once more once it's all compiled in PDF form, and then send it over to Mr. Reviewer (Andrew Reida) so he can read it and then send it back to me, and then I'll edit them all again. And that sure was a helluva run-on sentence.

I'm really aiming for a flawless debut. And, contrary to popular belief, I am a very thorough editor, and my knowledge of English grammar and spelling aren't as poor as a lot of you have already presumed after reading this blog.

Well, I hope you all enjoy the first issue (if you buy it). It'll be out around late April/early May.

More to come...