Things Have a Way of Not Working Out

Well, Kyle and I had a friggin' kick-ass time in Death Valley. We drove everywhere, went spelunking, and drove out to Nevada for breakfast. We also hiked a total of twenty miles. Pretty sweet. When I got home, I noticed that I'd lost a total of ten pounds. Damn, I'm sexy.

Well, the Sunday before last, Christina told me she loved me. Then just last Sunday she told me that she didn't. Hmm. She also told me that she doesn't want to get in trouble with her parents if they find out we're still doing boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. So, she basically broke up with me, saying that she wasn't quite ready for a serious relationship. Geez, you could've fucking told me a little while back, huh? So to make a long story short, we're going to wait a year until she thinks she'll be ready for a serious relationship and until her parents find it okay for her to have a boyfriend, but she said she couldn't promise that she wouldn't fall for another dude within that year. Sounds pretty fucking faithful, huh?

I love Christina. I really do. She's the only chick I care about, she's the hottest chick ever, she's the funnest person to be around--and I just care about her so much! I always want to be with her, to help her when she's having problems, to comfort her and give her a shoulder to cry on. She's the only girl I'm interested; all the others can go find other dudes, because I'm devoted to her and her alone.

But shit has a way of hitting the fan when you don't want it to. Whatever. I'll be stoic.

In other news, the first issue of Unhallowed Sanctum is almost finished. We're placing our bets on an early May debut. All in all, I think it's turning out quite nicely, and Kyle and I have been discussing a future horror anthology we're serious about launching off. That's a fun project to look forward to.

I've also been trudging--slowly--through a twisted surreal horror piece that I'm either going to donate to the e-zine, or send somewhere else. We'll see what happens.

Toodle-oo.

Reconciliation

I gotta get back to writing. I'll force myself to when I get home if I have to. I don't know exactly what I'll write, but I'll try my best to apply my feelings of right now (sadness, blankness, antagonization) to my writing in some sense. That'll be easy, I suppose. I'll probably write something romantic, surreal and grim. Nice mix.

Well, Tyler (Waffle Kingdom) is leaving school to attend a far better one, and I'll be left alone here. I'm not too depressed, really, since he's a dick to me most of the time and I'll be leaving this school after this semester. I don't hang out with too many people because everyone here is a friggin' idiot, and I don't associate myself with idiots. Go figure.

I miss Christina a lot. She's on some school field trip and I have to wait a-whole-'nother day to see her. Poor me.

I accepted another story for Unhallowed Sanctum yesterday. I believe that's five now. I'm aiming for about two more and then we'll try putting the first issue together. Not far off...

There's not much else to talk about, besides my undying stress and worry over nothing in particular. Such is anxiety.

Ciao.

Dead

The dinner is done. So is my love life.

Basically Christina's mom said that she likes me a lot and that, when Christina's ready for a relationship, I'd be the number one candidate for a boyfriend. Yay. Don't I feel special?

No.

So, she said that in a year it will be a definate okay. So what am I going to do?

Wait a year. Honestly, I'll wait however long it takes. Christina is the only girl I'm interested in. I don't want to go seeking for other relationships. Nay. I'll wait that year, and till come next March (or whatever) I'll be a friend, not a boyfriend. It will be hard. But how couldn't it be?

I'm just feeling rather blank right now. It amazes me that I haven't cried about any of the crap that's happened. Dunno. Maybe it's just my masculinity winning out on this one.

You know, when Christina and I were together, I was so happy. Well, of course I was happy. But also, it just made me feel...better...like I finally got crap sorted out and I didn't have anything to worry about. Just...I don't know, it's just so hard to describe.

Well, anyway, now all that's gone and I ain't got shit to do. I suppose I'll just wait till Spring Break. Kyle and I are going to Death Valley. That'll be fun. I just hope I don't bug the shit out of him with any spontaneous moods of depression. We'll have fun, though, I know it. Maybe I might get my white ass a tan! Alright, maybe not my ass. Still, my chest looks like an atlas of friggin' Antarctica.

That about sums up The Load of Crap. Peace out, my ghetto ballers.

Dorkish Confessions of the Disturbed Mind

First of all, folks, I have to apologize for all the language I've used in my latest posts. Been very pissed off, if you haven't noticed. Again, sorry.

Anyway, more crap has succeeded in screwing my life up again.

Christina and I aren't allowed to see each other anymore. Why? Because both our aunts don't want us to. Hmmm. My aunt saw me put my hand on Christina's leg, and from there on, everything just went downhill. Oh my. Hand...on her leg? Blasphemy! Preposterous! How could you!

Ugh...

So we can't talk on the phone, and are only limited to seeing each other about five minutes out of the day. No more "boyfriend-girlfriend crap." As you can probably imagine, I was pissed out of my mind, and Christina spent a good amount of her time crying. Wow. If this was our aunts' idea of a solution, boy have they solved a lot!

Bleh...

And the thing is, our aunts didn't even consult Christina's mom. Jodi (Christina's aunt, who lives with her and her mother) just ASSUMED that Christina's mom didn't want her having a boyfriend. So they went ahead and split Christina and me up. Great job, morons!

Tchhh...

Both my uncle and my mom think that's a load of shite in a Brazilian trash-pit. Of course, my uncle has a very small chance of swaying my aunt's decision. And my mom has nada.

BUT.

Christina did consult her mother. Amy--the mother of my love--doesn't want us being boyfriend-n'-girlfriend, but she does think that we should be able to hang out with each other, and she says she's fine with the whole "liking-each-other-thing," and that, in time, we'll receive the okay for a "real" relationship (she thinks I'm a sweet guy--aww, shucks). So she talked to my aunt, and of course owned her in the face. Christina and I are now...fine, I guess. I don't see many problems, besides maybe the lack of kisses and hugs. But that's okay...I mean, all I really care about right now is seeing her. Hell, when I had a crush on her before we started going out, I used to run from my school after I was dismissed all the way over to hers--just to see her for ten minutes!

So yeah. Her mom's arranged a small get-together between the three of us (Christina, her, and me) tonight. We're going out to dinner. Heh. Good thing I'm the biggest gentleman you'll ever know.

So things are slowly coming together and settling down. Thank God.

But I don't think I have it half as bad as the Waffle King does. Geez, the crap he has to go through is just horrible. Go read his latest post (wafflekingdom.blogspot.com). I mean...God, you'd think his parents would give him SOME privacy!

With my mind being so tied up on Christina, I haven't been submitting any of my writing anywhere, and haven't been producing any either. Just a phase, I guess. I feel a lot less of a writer than I do an editor now. I hope that changes. I'm kind of starting to miss the time when I went hog-wild with all the submitting to publishers n' crap.

Also, for those of my adult and far more professional viewers, I hope my blog posts aren't becoming tedious or annoying to you. I know a lot of the time I sound like a complete imbecile, and I apologize for that. And I know some of the subjects I raise up (i.e. Christina, gay guys committing suicide, punk bands, etc.) aren't the type of things you're into. Sometimes I just feel like an idiot because I feel I have to please all my viewers with different things. And I know that's kind of contradictory to Blogger's purpose (journaling thoughts and opinions).

Well, I dunno. I guess I'm just ranting.

Till next time, dudes and dudetts.

Ideas...

Been having some anthology ideas for Blue Monday. I know we're barely a month old and the first issue of Unhallowed Sanctum isn't even out yet (though we're almost there), but I've been itching to put together a hellish/dark fantasy anthology, or maybe just something completely different. Dunno. I really wanna, though.

Update on Unhallowed Sanctum: Three accepted stories, three rejected, one unread, and another already decided for a later issue (the author submitted two stories). I also finished a short-short that will serve as a launch-off/introduction to the e-zine. It's entitled "It's Your Time, Frank Turner" and is only about seven hundred words (as editor, I get to break my own rules--haha!). Short, surreal and a pretty good example of the horror I like to see for Unhallowed Sanctum. I'm aiming for about six or eight stories for the first issue. Sounds like an anthology, huh?

Mister Quack (Kyle, the webmaster of the kick-ass Blue Monday homepage) has also made some very nice improvements to the site. Check 'em out.

Ciao.

Back in Black

I dyed my hair black Saturday. Yes, it's now dead.

Okay, I have to admit that was cheesy.

Anyway, it looks pretty cool. Most people--with the exception of the Waffle King--like it, including Christina (phew).

In Other News: Life sucks. My household sucks. Everyone in it sucks. It's dirty and unorganized and I'm forced to clean other people's mess, even though all my possessions are in MY room. Then I get yelled at for not knowing where things go. Well, idiots, they're YOUR THINGS, so you can go put them where they go, which is probably UP YOUR ASS.

And my neighborhood sucks. Come on, seriously, who enjoys listening to mariachi and rap and r&b all day besides Mexicans? And the thing is, I'm surrounded by Mexicans. I can almost smell all their freaking goats and roosters, and hear them as loudly as their shitty music. Now don't get me wrong, I'm fine with Mexicans; just not the annoying ones. I don't like ANY annoying poeple.

And plus, this neighborhood has no trees. None. And the sun beats down on us like a hammer on a baby's soft skull. And there are chain-link fences and bars over every window. And all the houses are squat like midgets taking a crap, which forms the uneven sidewalks and unkempt yards. It reminds me of black drama movies taking place in South Central. Trust me, guys, there is nothing more I hate than THIS KIND OF AREA. AND IT'S THE ONLY AREA IN SACRAMENTO I HATE. I COULD HAVE BEEN ANYWHERE ELSE (I.E. THE FAB 40S, DOWNTOWN, LAND PARK). BUT NO, I HAVE TO BE CAUGHT IN THIS SHITHOLE.

And then I've got Mister White Chocolate parading through the house, bobbing his head up and down to ghetto beats and callling everyone "ho." And that's not even that bad part. But, trust me, you don't want to know just how fucking ignorant and antagonizing this little shit is.

And then I have my aunt who I swear ENJOYS interfering with my social life, yelling at me for the most unexpected and stupid things. She keeps me from my friends just because I "had too much fun yesterday, and don't need anymore." Bullshit. Please remove the bullhorn from you over-proportioned ass, Madam.

And then there's my cousin Hannah, who takes joy in prancing around the house, humming and making odd sounds. She can't even sit still. It takes all I have to not scream at her: "Hannah, sit your fat ass down and do your fucking homework. Okay? This isn't a fucking McDonald's playhouse!" Of course, that would be assholish, and I'm not an asshole. Unless, of course, if I'm venting over Blogger.

And then there's Uncle Dan, who is probably the most enjoyable of my other shithole-mates. He's intelligent, reads books, cooks good food, cracks good jokes, and generally hates my black-at-the-heart cousin Curtis. Problem is, he's just like me in that everyone in the house makes him angry, only he just screams his ass off over it instead of taking it all in and shitting it out later like I do.

There's nowhere for me to go. My grandparents have offered to take me in, but they live in Stockton and they'll try their best to completely control my life. And there's my mom who wants me to live with her again, and not even everything in her life is yet leveled out, and plus my aunt and uncle wouldn't let me go. AND she lives in San Francisco.

I want to live with Kyle. God, I'm jealous of him. His family life is so positive, calm. They have fun and they have peace, and Kyle gets his freaking freedom. Sounds ideal, huh? Damn straight it does.

The only happy things in my life now are my friends and Christina. AND I NEVER GET TO SEE THEM. Wow. My life is just balanced, isn't it?

Well, at least I got to see Christina and Kyle and Lauren and London Saturday at the mall. We had a good time. Christina and I definately did, that's for sure. Do you guys need details? Doubt it. It's pretty obvious what kept us interested.

Oh, and apparently I look good as a prep, after undergoing an hour of excruciating trying-on-clothes-for-girlfriend-and-bisexual-friends. Fun, fun.

Well, that was the highlight of my weekend. Not bad, actually. But now I'm back in the dumps. Aren't I special?

Well, as my wise friend Kyle once told me: Life is like a dick--when it gets hard, fuck it.

Thong or Skirt? That's a toughy.

Well, I will *probably* see Christina tomorrow at the mall with Kyle and Lauren. If I don't screw my chances up somehow. Christina made me choose between her either wearing a thong or a skirt. That took me a while. She finally decided for me with a skirt, but she said that if she does see me today after her guitar lessons, she'll wear a thong for me. I am soooo good.

Either way, she'll be hot and I'll be happy.

While we're at the mall we'll probably catch a movie, walk around, make out, shop (for her), shop (for me to look like an idiot), and...um...make out. Maybe eat something, too. Things between Christina and me are great. They really are. We even got to make out yesterday without being caught by my parents. I am soooo cool.

But yeah, I just got another submission for Unhallowed Sanctum, so I guess I'll cut this post short.

But one last thing...

Thong or skirt?

Feeding the Minds of Tomorrow's Apocolypse

Many interesting anthologies/magazines posted over at Ralan.com. BADASS Horror, for one, and another scifi anthology whose title has suddenly slipped my mind. Pity. Guess I'll have to type in the WHOLE URL again to remember. Drat.

Only problem is, I actually have to WRITE to get accepted. Go figure. Writing has been kicking my ass lately. Adjectives and adverbs really, really suck now. Maybe I shouldn't use too many, huh? Andrew knows what I'm talking about.

Oh yeah, just so Christina knows, I'm wearing my jeans today. *gasp* To all that don't know, I have a nice ass in jeans, according to popular opinion. Sexy bitch.

Man, the Misfits rock *headbangs*.

Well, if I was a lobster, I'd rent, not own.

I really want to see Christina right now. Reallyreallyreally. It's scaring me because I've been thinking about making out a lot. Or maybe that's because I'm a disturbed teen. Yeah, that's it.

Just raised my grade in algebra a WHOLE LETTER GRADE. That actually might mean I'll be able to see Christina, Kyle and Lauren on Saturday. Should I be happy? Not exactly. Not yet, I mean. I'm rather apprehensive, to tell you the truth. I know my aunt will be happy when I tell her about the raise-in-grade, but maybe not enough to allow me to spend time with my friends over the weekend. Sometimes that unfairness really pisses me off. Actually, all the time it does. By the way, is "unfairness" a word?

Every one of my freaking posts seems to be littered with a whole bunch of crap lately. Sounds like my brain. Or my bowels. Whatever.

Well, this is actually starting to annoy ME now, so I'll stem the flow of insanity. Ciao.

Edible Panties and Other Tasties

Poetry officially blows. Or at least mine does. Most probably the latter.

Anyway, Christina and I are officially happy again. And yes, that was the third time in the last five sentences I've used the word "officially." Anglo-Saxon, huh?

She's so great. Christina, that is. Ooops, don't want to get myself into trouble now. Hopefully this Saturday we'll see each other at the mall. She'll probably make me try on clothes at Hot Topic and other random stores. Fun, fun.

I just had a killer idea for an alternate history/fantasy/supernatural/scifi story, but I'll probably rape it. Such confidence should be rewarded with cookies. But yeah, the story's pretty cool, even if it's not exactly a real story yet. Just a vague idea, specked with some fancy illusions and action scenes, blahblahblahblahblah.

Recently I've noticed that I have become a very DRY person. Like... really dry. Sarcasm is mandatory, I suppose. Oh well. If it means I'm funny or weirdER, there's certainly nothing to complain about. Just an observation.

Lots of blog posts as of late. I used to space them about by a week or so, but now it's becoming an "everyday thing." Eh. I just hope it isn't annoying any of my "regulars."

Also, I've accepted a short horror story written by the King of Waffle Kingdom, Tyler King. That's three down for Unhallowed Sanctum. Three rejected, too. I'm not TOO bad of an editor, I guess. Even if I'm anal + 1.

Yesterday Christina and I managed to see each other at a sibling's softball practice. We gave her a ride home, and before everyone got in the car, we got to sneak a kiss in the backseat. There could've been more, but she was being really paranoid about other people (namely parents) seeing us. I just let it go.

My throat hurts. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning with an extremely worse ache. Not exactly a look-forward-to kinda thing, is it? I just hope I don't get sick. I managed to make it all through winter (so far) without becoming ill this year, and I don't want to wreck that.

Well, I really want to see Christina right now. Reallyreallyreally wanna see Christina, actually.

Well, there's your daily dose of randomness. Hope you have fun with that.

Peace out, my ghetto ballers.

From me to you... a poem of poo

Not only am I a crappy writer, but I'm a crappy poet, too! Man, I've got it going on. Here's a poem I wrote yesterday summing up my feelings about the problem Christina and I had Sunday night:

"SnappingTwine"

I love her.
We made out Sunday.
I liked it.
She did, too.

So why is it
That there's this tension?
Something between us,
Malicious,
Relentless,
Disruptive.

I'm afraid that,
In time we'll fall apart,
Uninterested yet stressed,
Somehow hindered.

We were so beautiful yesterday,
Sweet,
Wanting,
Propelled by touch and kiss.

We were so great,
In that we were so in touch with our feelings,
So eager to grasp them,
And turn them into action.

Now, after the episode,
The dreaded time of discomfort and shed tears,
There is a speck of something now tainted,
Nevermore to be mended nor cured.

God, I feel so horrible.
I didn't even have to be upset.
We could've moved on,
Left it to the wind to sweep away.

And now I'm empty.
Lack of joyous thoughts,
Of more kisses.
What now?

Maybe I'm overreacting.
Maybe this will be healed in time.
But I fear that it will be descabbed,
And we'll never be right again.

My thoughts contort in sad emotion.
I did a bad thing.
If there could be one thing I could fix
It would be that.



Horrible. Really, really bad. Maybe I'll post another one in the future.

Friction in Fractions

Christina and I underwent a bit of a "bad moment" (for lack of better phrase). If you want to know the story, visit Mister Quack's blog and check his latest post.

Anyway, that's all in the past now and we're getting over it. We really want to see each other, but different schedules and cuntish parents are having a great time forming a wall between us. Damn, this sucks. I really feel like I need to see her so we can get back on the track we were on before (Sunday).

I could go on about that whole thing, but I'm sure you all are getting pretty tired of hearing about Christina. Even though she is perfect. God, I just hope we didn't wreck anything that we had.

BUT ANYWAY, I decided to pick up "A Game of Thrones" by George R.R. Martin. I doubt I'll finish it any time soon. I'm having a really hard time concentrating on much of anything right now, including writing.

And that brings us to writing. Let me inform you all on one simple but very true fact: I'm a terrible writer. I am. Big ego-stroker there. That's why I've been afraid to write anything for such a long time (going on a month now). I have tons of great story ideas, but the fact that I'll simply rape every one of them with my horrible writing keeps me from the keyboard. I'll probably get over this "phase" sooner or later, but right now I really don't feel like writing or even talking about writing too much.

Editing is going well, but my school server for some reason won't let me access my editor mail, so that's getting me pretty angry. Then again, a lot has been getting me angry lately, so that's not too out of the normal.

Nothing else to talk about. Good bye.